Peep Show - Series 9, Episode 1
by
Luke Tucker
Based on Characters Created by Sam Bain, Jesse Armstrong
and Andrew O'Connor
_______________________________
INT. VISPRO LOSS ADJUSTMENT OFFICE - DAY
MARK sits in his grey cubicle, his sanctuary from the
dozens of identical drones on his floor. He sips tea from a
JLB mug and stares dejected at the spreadsheet on his
computer screen. He closes it and opens up Facebook. There
is a conversation open with DOBBY - although it is very one
sided. He has sent her 5 messages without reply but her
status is still very much online.
MARK (V.O.)
Maybe she's gone for lunch. Or
perhaps there's been a huge
earthquake? No, she's in New York
not San Francisco. The Super
Volcano in the Canary Islands may
finally have erupted and sent a
tsunami 50ft high straight for
her. Would that be better? The
horrible and violent death of the
woman I love? It would be a good
excuse for not writing back.
In a new window a message from SUPER HANS pops up. 'Mark,
we need to talk'.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Super Hans? Oh God, I bet he
wants to know what blood type I
am again?
A second message pops up 'I read Business Secrets of The
Pharaohs, we should speak. Meet me, Corner Cafe 5.30.'
MARK (CONT'D)
Although, now he's a career
man...
INT. CORNER CAFE - DAY
Mark walks into the cafe and searches for Super Hans. He
sees a figure with his back to him and heads over. It isn't
what he was hoping for.
JEZ
Mark. Marky Markster.
MARK
Oh Jesus Jeremy. Where's Super
Hans?
JEZ
Well, I knew you wouldn't come
and meet me so I used Hans'
computer. To lure you here.
MARK
Like a kiddy fiddler?
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And I bet he didn't even read my
book.
JEZ
You can question my methods Mark,
but don't question my motives.
MARK
I know your motives Jeremy. You
want money and the sperm bank
won't pay you while you still
have chlamydia.
Jez catches the eye of a girl on the next table and only
then takes offence to Mark's comment.
JEZ
I do not have chlamydia. (hushed)
Any more. Anyway I had to get out
of the flat for a bit.
MARK
You still in the snake room?
JEZ
I wish they were contained to a
single snake room, but they're
everywhere.
MARK
So what is it you do want? I am
rather busy.
JEZ
God Mark. Why does everything
have to be a commodity with you?
Crude oil, your time, the orange
Revels? Don't think I never
noticed you scratching off the
chocolate to make sure you got
the one you wanted.
MARK (V.O.)
Hmmm, maybe he isn't as stupid as
I thought. Never cottoned onto
the Nutella scam though did he?
Leave an empty jar in the
cupboard and veil my stash with a
nice artichoke labeled body
double.
JEZ
There's something I thought you
should know.
MARK
What like the time you saw Keith
Richards who turned out to be the
old woman that lives in the park?
Jez attempts to remonstrate, but decides to go on the
offensive instead.
JEZ
Sophie and Jeff are getting
married.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh yeah, here we go. One nil to
The Jezmeister.
Mark is frozen. A couple of seconds pass. Still nothing.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Mark?
Jez goes to poke him in the face and Mark springs back into
action.
MARK
What? My Sophie? And Jeff?
Fucking Jeff?
JEZ
That's right. Your Sophie and
someone's Jeff. Married. Next
weekend.
MARK
How do you know this?
JEZ
Oh, Soph invited me and Super
Hans. Said it'd be fun to see
some old faces.
MARK
This is literally beyond
comprehension. You're going to my
ex-wife's new wedding to someone
I hate?
JEZ
A party is a party Mark.
MARK
When is it?
JEZ
Next weekend.
MARK
It's Friday Jez. Do you mean a
week tomorrow?
JEZ
Is it? Oh right, well then it's
tomorrow. Want to be my plus 1?
Mark is about to go into meltdown when he sees something
moving in Jez's jacket. Before he can even question it a
snake slithers out of his pocket, lunges down his arm and
bites Jez on the hand. Mark totally freaks.
MARK
Fuck there's a cobra in here. Jez
are you alright?
Jez is caught in total disbelief, but, compared to Mark,
completely composed. Mark pulls of his shoe and starts
waving it in Jez and the snake's diection.
MARK (CONT'D)
Call the ambulance, coast guard,
Ray Mears.
INT. AMBULANCE - DAY
Jez is sitting on the bed while the paramedic applies a
cream to his wound. He isn't really paying attention and is
more interested in the oxygen mask and bottles of pills
within his reach.
PARAMEDIC
What were you doing carrying
around a snake?
JEZ
The flat where I live is a bit of
a snake pit.
PARAMEDIC
(slightly confused) OK. Well
lucky for you it was completely
harmless. No more dangerous than
a hamster bite.
MARK
In Latin America there have been
recorded cases of hamsters
contracting rabies and passing it
on to humans.
PARAMEDIC
But we're not in Latin America,
we're in Croyden. And it was a
milk snake, not a black mamba.
MARK
So you're going to this wedding
then?
JEZ
Are you kidding? I've just had a
near death experience.
PARAMEDIC
No you haven't.
JEZ
(ignoring them) The ladies will
love this. (beat) I guess you're
coming - to collect the kid and
everything?
MARK
Why?
JEZ
Because of the honeymoon? The 3
week honeymoon. You're not very
up to date for someone who works
in IT.
MARK
I don't work in fucking IT Jez.
Have I ever worked in IT? What!?
3 weeks? 3 weeks of me, and him,
alone. No. This simply won't do.
I haven't been consulted.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I'm like the Liberal Democrats in
a Select Committee hearing. Well
fuck off Osborne, I won't be
Clegg anymore.
He pulls out his phone and rings SOPHIE.
SOPHIE (ON THE PHONE)
Oh hi Mark. I was wondering why I
hadn't heard from you? Is this
about the reception because I
think we're getting pretty full.
MARK (ON THE PHONE)
The reception? To the wedding I
only heard about 30 seconds ago,
funnily enough no. It's about you
gallivanting off for 3 weeks. Did
you not think it common curtesy
to let me know?
SOPHIE (ON THE PHONE)
I sent you a letter weeks ago
explaining all this Mark.
Jeff and I are going to India for
our honeymoon. I thought we'd
moved past this. Stop trying to
be difficult.
MARK (ON THE PHONE)
I am doing no such thing.
SOPHIE (ON THE PHONE)
You should be glad you get your
son for so long. I didn't hear
anything back so I assumed
everything was alright.
(commotion in the background)
Look Mark I have to go, but I'll
see you tomorrow.
She hangs up. Mark goes into meltdown.
MARK
Assume everything is alright? If
you don't hear back you assume
no, everything is not alright.
You don't go to the doctor's and
if you don't hear anything back
it must mean the all clear. What
if Sir Ranulph Feinnes had
thought that?
JEZ
Or John Candy?
MARK
He died of massive coronary
failure Jez. To be honest he was
lucky to last that long. No. She
can't do this. And for what? A
spiritual hippyfest across India.
Who does she think she is?
JEZ
George Harrison? Marianne
Faithful? Mia Farrow?
MARK
Judith Chalmers?
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
JEZ
Aww, that was lovely. What a
lovely wedding. I'm so happy for
those guys.
Sophie and JEFF walk happily through the confetti and
applause - the antithesis of Mark and Sophie's wedding.
MARK
How lovely? Oh isn't everybody so
wonderfully lovely?
JEZ (V.O.)
Shit. Better downplay this one a
bit.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Yeah, apart from Jeff. He looked
like a massive tit. I mean, who
wears a tie to his own wedding?
MARK
I noticed you managed not to piss
yourself this time.
JEZ
That was. You! (He calms down)
Look Mark, I've been thinking.
You need a babysitter, I need
somewhere snake free.
MARK
No.
JEZ
Oh come on Mark. You know I'm
great with kids. I'm great at
hide and seek.
MARK
You couldn't even hide your bong
when we had the neighbourhood
watch meeting.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He equates being a full-grown
idiot with being good with kids.
Not knowing your 6 times table
does not make you qualified to
look after my child, it makes you
shit.
JEZ
Please Mark. For old times sake.
I'll piss all over the reception.
MARK (V.O.)
I do have that meeting with
Shapiro Finance tomorrow. No
Mark, don't do it. He's Ike
you're Tina. Do not let him back
in the house.
Jez pulls some strawberry laces from his jacket and stuffs
them into his mouth offering Mark one.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Although...
JEFF
Alright Queers?
JEZ
Congratulations man.
MARK
Mmmm.
JEFF
Well, I guess it's safe to say
that the best man won, eh? Now,
time to plant that flag in Nana's
cottage. Of course, you two have
already had a go on Soph haven't
you? Guess she finally wanted to
know what a real man feels like?
JEZ
Well she didn't seem to be
complaining when we broke out the
jam and peanut butter up the bum
action on the kitchen table.
Jeff shrinks.
JEFF
See you at the toast.
MARK (V.O.)
Ha. Fuck you Jeff. On the
happiest day of your life imagine
Jeremy doing your wife up the
bum. True, he did do my then
girlfriend in that place using
Sunpat as a pleasure giver, but
still - beats you Jeff, you arse
hole.
MARK (CONT'D)
You didn't really do..
JEZ
No, of course not. He just needed
bringing down a peg or two.
MARK (V.O.)
I hope it wasn't crunchy.
JEZ (V.O.)
Hmmm. Jelly belly nutty bum.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Mark arrives at the flat after work.
INT. FLAT - CONTINUOUS
MARK (V.O.)
Door is locked. OK, so hopefully
haven't been robbed yet. No
excrement on the walls, no Yazzoo
on the carpet. Something is
horribly wrong here.
MARK (CONT'D)
Jeremy? Jeremy?
He walks into the living room to see Jez asleep on the
sofa, a story book open on his chest and the boy is asleep
in the chair. Mark picks up the glass on the table and
sniffs it with suspicion. It's clean. He opens up his son's
cup too and sniffs. Nothing.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Maybe Jez isn't so bad. Now he
doesn't have the women, and the
music and the drugs to distract
him.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Jez and Super Hans in the park .
SUPER HANS
Look at all these Chris Martin
clones in their hemp pants and
fairtrade beards, not an opinion
between them.
JEZ
Totally.
SUPER HANS
There aren't many of us left Jez,
those who show a bit of
individuality. A bit of flair.
He pulls a glass pipe from his pocket.
JEZ
You're on the crack again Super
Hans?
SUPER HANS
What? So you've gone all
corporate now?
JEZ (V.O.)
I'm not the one who sells
econoflush toilets mate.
JEZ (CONT'D)
No, but...
He looks down at the kid.
SUPER HANS
Having a baby is like having a
Get Out of Jail Free Card. And
today my fiend, we're a couple of
horny paedos.
JEZ
Yeah, no. I mean of course we
are, that. It's just, paeados
Hans?
SUPER HANS
Paedos are in man.
He points to the kid.
JEZ
Are we not more like the Chemical
Brothers, or maybe even Noel and
Liam? I. It's just, I do feel
quite strongly that we should
steer away from calling ourselves
paedos. Being in the park with a
child that isn't ours and all.
SUPER HANS
Suit yourself. I'm going to have
a smoke on the springy horse. A
mate of mine did it on the spiral
slide, said he saw through the
looking glass and through the
fucking page. Well, eventually.
He didn't speak for the first
couple of days.
EXT. BUSY SHOPPING STREET - DAY
Mark is making his way through the hoards of shoppers on
his lunch break.
MARK (V.O.)
You let him back in the flat for
one day and he manages to get
through an entire loaf of Mighty
White. Does he use it instead of
loo paper? That could account for
the amount of time he spends in
there...
He pulls out his phone to check the time.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Thirteen minutes to get back,
shit. This is precisely why the
Nazis were so effective. To get
things done you have to plan in
advance, take your own food.
He receives a message from Sophie. It reads 'DON'T LET HIM
SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH JEZ, I DON'T WANT OUR CHILD
TURNING INTO SHAUN RYDER'
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh Jesus. The other side of the
world and she's still trying to
orchestrate my life. Well fuck
you sweetheart, while you're in a
mudhut licking hallucinogenic
frogs, Jez is my new nanny and
there's nothing you can do about
it. (beat) Should I be slightly
concerned though? No, probably
best to assume all is well.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Jez is slouching on a bench not really paying attention to
the kid. Super Hans is sitting on the ground, his legs
wrapped around the springy horse, his arms grasping at thin
air. An attractive WOMAN approaches the pushchair.
WOMAN
Aww, he's adorable. What's his
name?
JEZ (V.O.)
Bollocks. What did they call him.
Was it Ian or Jeff?
JEZ (CONT'D)
Ian.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It was probably Ian.
WOMAN
That's sweet.
She bends over the pushchair and Jez looks down her
cleavage.
JEZ
Yeah, you know, it didn't work
out between me and his mum, but
when push comes to shove he was
conceived in love.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Shit. Is that Will Smith?
WOMAN
Is that Will Smith?
ELENA (OFF SCREEN)
Jermey!?
ELENA stops and walks over, tentatively.
JEZ
Elena.
ELENA
Is that Mark's baby?
JEZ
No. Yes.
WOMAN
This isn't your baby?
JEZ
It's complicated. (To Elena)
Aren't you supposed to be in
Slovakia or Yugoslavia or
somewhere?
ELENA
Yes. Well after you broke my
wedding I had to go back.
JEZ
I was confessing my love for you.
ELENA
You ran over my fiance when you
were drunk driving in just your
underpants.
The woman walks off in disgust. Jez contemplates pursuing
her for a second, then returns to Elena.
JEZ
That's a sign of affection in
this country.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It bloody should be. I could
solve a lot of problems that way.
JEZ (CONT'D)
What are you doing here anyway?
ELENA
Visiting my brother for a few
days.
JEZ (V.O.)
Shit. Hope he isn't in the KGB,
or one of those back-street cage
fighters raised on beetroot and
resentment of The West.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Is he with you?
ELENA
No. He's at the gym.
JEZ (V.O.)
Shiiit.
ELENA
I just came to check out the
dad's in the park.
She looks at IAN.
ELENA (CONT'D)
The real ones anyway. Does Mark
know you have his baby?
JEZ
Of course. It's my whole thing
now - babies.
ELENA
Is that a joint?
JEZ
What? No.
Jez pushes the joint under the child. Elena's PHONE RINGS
and she speaks Romanian to the other person. She starts to
walk off.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Elena, wait. (beat) Fancy a
cheeky toke?
She looks at the baby.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Don't worry about the baby. They
can practically look after
themselves at this age. It's good
for them, it helps them learn how
to talk, or something.
ELENA
Goodbye Jeremy.
Elena leaves. Jez picks up the joint that is in the
pushchair.
JEZ (V.O.)
There goes the love of my life,
again. And now I'm going to smoke
my last joint then go to Iceland
and spend the £1.30 I found in
Mark's coat. Why is life so
utterly shit?
He looks over at Super Hans practically catatonic.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Still, could be worse.
INT. FLAT - DAY
Mark is still suited from work. He has reams of paper and
folders spread out across the table, furiously rifling
through them. The DOOR OPENS and Jez enters pushing Ian.
MARK
Jez, thank God. (beat) Er, hi
Ian. How has your day been?
Ian just stares at his father, nonplussed.
JEZ
Oh we've had a wicked day haven't
we mate?
Ian looks up at Jez and smiles. Mark is not amused.
MARK
You better not have been getting
high in the park.
JEZ
Mark!?
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Ha ha. Hopefully won't actually
have to answer that question.
MARK
Yes well, just so long as you are
aware that while you are the
closest actual person to my child
you are physically and morally
responsible for his safety.
JEZ
Yeah sure. Where's the remote?
MARK
Jeremy no. Look at me. I have to
give a presentation to Shapiro
Finance tomorrow.
It could be a massive contract
for us and would be my ticket out
of the pig pen and onto the 4th
floor.
JEZ
That's clearly pretty exciting,
but wouldn't you rather be
watching Tony Soprano torture an
undercover cop?
MARK
We are not watching The Sopranos
again Jeremy. Especially not with
a 2 year old in the room.
JEZ (V.O.)
Probably shouldn't tell him that
we watched that Japanese game
show where someone stuffed an
octopus up their arse then.
MARK
Listen Jez, do you think you
could come round and look after
him again tomorrow?
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
All those times people were
talking about juggling work and
children I really should have
paid more attention instead of
wondering how big a tax credit
they were raking in.
JEZ
I mean obviously I'm happy to do
it, but I'd have to set off from
Hans' so early to get here, after
I'd double checked my clothes for
snakes.
MARK (V.O.)
Shit.
JEZ
It really would be so much easier
for everyone if I just stayed
here.
MARK
Jez...
JEZ
Plus, all my stuff is still here.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Although that's just because you
were too tight to pay the council
to take it away.
MARK
Ian has that room now mate.
JEZ
Oh relax Mark. We can share.
Besides, that way I can lean over
and give him some more rum if he
starts crying again.
MARK
More?
JEZ
I'm joking.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Sort of. I think it was actually
Malibu.
Mark, resignation etched onto his face, looks at Jez. Jez
jumps up.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Great. I'll unpack then.
He pulls a handfull of screwed up Rizlas from his jacket,
half a Yorkie and a door key and drops them on the table.
He throws himself onto the sofa, letting out a contented
SIGH.
MARK
But just until the end of the
week.
JEZ
The El Dude Brothers are back.
Jez makes the HORN sound.
JEZ (CONT'D)
And now we have a third member.
This is going to be great.
INT. JEZ'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Ian is in his bed screaming at the top of his lungs. Jez is
hiding under the covers with pillows held over his ears
wishing the noise away. Mark enters the room dressed for
his big presentation.
MARK
Jeremy. You aren't even trying.
Get up. Get up right now.
Jez emerges from the covers with a pair of pants on his
head holding in place balled up socks he is using as ear
muffs.
JEZ
It's been an hour. There's no
reasoning with it. Like a Dalek.
Mark walks over and picks the baby up, which makes him
scream even louder. He tentatively and slightly
embarrassedly kisses his son then straightens his posture
and strides out.
MARK
Goodbye Ian. Be good.
The tantrum continues.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ian is still throwing an absolute shit fit. Jez has tried
everything. There are cartoons on the TV, toys strewn all
around the flat, crisps and biscuits crushed into every
surface possible.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Jez rummages through the kitchen cupboards. He picks up a
bottle of whisky, thinks about it for a second, then puts
it back. After another second he pulls it back out, takes a
big gulp and throws it back in the cupboard.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jez slumps down on the floor next to the stereo. He knocks
over a pile of CDs. Grabbing one at random he throws it in
the machine and hits play. At full volume blasts out
'Outrageous'. Ian stops crying.
JEZ (V.O.)
Oh my God, has he died? Would I
be upset?
He crawls over to have a look at the baby. Far from being
dead, he's smiling.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mark returns home from work to find the Living Room in the
aftermath of a bomb explosion. Jez is sitting cross legged
on the floor with a pen and paper and a tape recorder.
MARK
Jeremy, what the hell have you
been doing?
JEZ
Mark, you will not believe it,
but I have found my true life
calling today.
MARK
Well it clearly isn't being able
to eat from a plate. Where Ian?
JEZ
Asleep. Listen Mark. I am a
musical genius.
MARK
No you aren't.
JEZ
Yes I am. I just haven't been
appreciated in my own time
before. Like Stieg Larsson, or
that Sunflower guy.
MARK
Really? You think you're like Van
Gogh?
JEZ
You can't bring me down this
time. I have discovered the
secret - the billion dollar every
parent in the world will want to
know and pay me money for secret -
kids love my music.
MARK
Pardon?
JEZ
The only thing that shut Ian up
was when I played him Outrageous.
MARK
I think it was probably a
coincidence.
JEZ
How would you know how he feels?
Out all day counting your Nazi
gold and your Rembrandts. (beat)
Mark, I'm going to be a
children's musician.
MARK
A children's musician? That's not
a thing. That's something you've
literally just made up right now.
JEZ
Oh stop being so HMV. Just
because my music doesn't fit into
a rigid section for people like
you to file away in alphabetical
order and never actually listen
to. I've found the meaning of
life.
MARK
At 4 o'clock in the afternoon
whilst playing gibberish techno
to a toddler and eating Smarties?
Yes I believe that's what
Johnpaul Satre wrote about when
he was contemplating the
absurdity of the cosmos. If only
you'd been on hand to help him
figure it out. (beat) What about
the life coaching? I thought that
was your reason for being?
JEZ
Oh come on Mark, we both know the
life coaching was bullshit.
MARK
Ha, I knew it.
JEZ
Yeah, and listening to people's
problems is so fucking boring.
They just go on and on. And what
with Mad Andy's suicide attempt
in Nando's...
MARK
Mmm hmm.
JEZ
It's just time to get away from
all that, you know? The stress,
the responsibility. I need to get
back in touch with my creativity,
and that's my music Mark.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh my God. That sounded great.
Maybe I should have used some of
that shit when I was life
coaching. Oh well, guess it
doesn't really matter now.
MARK (V.O.)
Why am I surrounded entirely by
conspiracy wielding hippies who
constantly have to stop their
lives to go and find themselves?
Well if they carry on like this
they'll be finding themselves
under a bridge when the bank
repossesses their home.
JEZ
So basically, I need to borrow
some money to buy some recording
equipment.
MARK
What about all the things you
used to use?
JEZ
Well it turned out that Hans
hadn't actually paid for all of
it, so long story short we had to
give it back or be picking our
teeth out of the gutter. Or
something.
MARK
No Jeremy. This is not going to
be another 'I'm going to be the
next Damien Hirst' when you said
the guy downstairs could get you
a shark.
JEZ
Sharks are surprisingly expensive
as it turns out. And this is real
Mark.
MARK
The answer is no.
JEZ
OK, fair enough. I'll ask Pedge.
See if we can get something set
up in my room.
MARK
Your room?
JEZ (V.O.)
Shit. Haven't got him pissed yet.
OK, this might be a hard sell.
Fuck it, I'll make he think he's
going mad.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Yeah. We spoke about it
yesterday, you said it was cool
for me to move back in.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Hold your nerve. Believe it. This
happened. Be Rupert Murdoch.
MARK (V.O.)
Does he take me for a total
moron? (beat) Although, let's
face it, he'll find his way back
in somehow anyway. Like a pop
tart munching Burlusconi. Or that
plague of cockroaches that
appeared after he tried to make
mead in the airing cupboard. And
what with Ian. Even if Jez is the
only one that believes he can
tame a child's tantrums, he may
be good to keep around. A bit
like a butler really. It would be
nice for my child to grow up
accustomed to having staff.
Jez does his friendliest smile and thumbs up number.
MARK (CONT'D)
Sure.
JEZ (V.O.)
Oh my God. I've done it. This is
fucking brilliant. Maybe I can
whisper through his door at night
and see what else I can get him
to do. Stop buying granary bread?
Get a pool table? Suck me off?
MARK (V.O.)
Ha. He thinks he's tricked me
into letting him back in, when in
fact it is me who is grooming him
for a life of compliance and
servitude. I'm like a gentrified
Fritzl. Welcome home Jez.
JEZ (V.O.)
Welcome home Jez.
END
MARK sits in his grey cubicle, his sanctuary from the
dozens of identical drones on his floor. He sips tea from a
JLB mug and stares dejected at the spreadsheet on his
computer screen. He closes it and opens up Facebook. There
is a conversation open with DOBBY - although it is very one
sided. He has sent her 5 messages without reply but her
status is still very much online.
MARK (V.O.)
Maybe she's gone for lunch. Or
perhaps there's been a huge
earthquake? No, she's in New York
not San Francisco. The Super
Volcano in the Canary Islands may
finally have erupted and sent a
tsunami 50ft high straight for
her. Would that be better? The
horrible and violent death of the
woman I love? It would be a good
excuse for not writing back.
In a new window a message from SUPER HANS pops up. 'Mark,
we need to talk'.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Super Hans? Oh God, I bet he
wants to know what blood type I
am again?
A second message pops up 'I read Business Secrets of The
Pharaohs, we should speak. Meet me, Corner Cafe 5.30.'
MARK (CONT'D)
Although, now he's a career
man...
INT. CORNER CAFE - DAY
Mark walks into the cafe and searches for Super Hans. He
sees a figure with his back to him and heads over. It isn't
what he was hoping for.
JEZ
Mark. Marky Markster.
MARK
Oh Jesus Jeremy. Where's Super
Hans?
JEZ
Well, I knew you wouldn't come
and meet me so I used Hans'
computer. To lure you here.
MARK
Like a kiddy fiddler?
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And I bet he didn't even read my
book.
JEZ
You can question my methods Mark,
but don't question my motives.
MARK
I know your motives Jeremy. You
want money and the sperm bank
won't pay you while you still
have chlamydia.
Jez catches the eye of a girl on the next table and only
then takes offence to Mark's comment.
JEZ
I do not have chlamydia. (hushed)
Any more. Anyway I had to get out
of the flat for a bit.
MARK
You still in the snake room?
JEZ
I wish they were contained to a
single snake room, but they're
everywhere.
MARK
So what is it you do want? I am
rather busy.
JEZ
God Mark. Why does everything
have to be a commodity with you?
Crude oil, your time, the orange
Revels? Don't think I never
noticed you scratching off the
chocolate to make sure you got
the one you wanted.
MARK (V.O.)
Hmmm, maybe he isn't as stupid as
I thought. Never cottoned onto
the Nutella scam though did he?
Leave an empty jar in the
cupboard and veil my stash with a
nice artichoke labeled body
double.
JEZ
There's something I thought you
should know.
MARK
What like the time you saw Keith
Richards who turned out to be the
old woman that lives in the park?
Jez attempts to remonstrate, but decides to go on the
offensive instead.
JEZ
Sophie and Jeff are getting
married.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh yeah, here we go. One nil to
The Jezmeister.
Mark is frozen. A couple of seconds pass. Still nothing.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Mark?
Jez goes to poke him in the face and Mark springs back into
action.
MARK
What? My Sophie? And Jeff?
Fucking Jeff?
JEZ
That's right. Your Sophie and
someone's Jeff. Married. Next
weekend.
MARK
How do you know this?
JEZ
Oh, Soph invited me and Super
Hans. Said it'd be fun to see
some old faces.
MARK
This is literally beyond
comprehension. You're going to my
ex-wife's new wedding to someone
I hate?
JEZ
A party is a party Mark.
MARK
When is it?
JEZ
Next weekend.
MARK
It's Friday Jez. Do you mean a
week tomorrow?
JEZ
Is it? Oh right, well then it's
tomorrow. Want to be my plus 1?
Mark is about to go into meltdown when he sees something
moving in Jez's jacket. Before he can even question it a
snake slithers out of his pocket, lunges down his arm and
bites Jez on the hand. Mark totally freaks.
MARK
Fuck there's a cobra in here. Jez
are you alright?
Jez is caught in total disbelief, but, compared to Mark,
completely composed. Mark pulls of his shoe and starts
waving it in Jez and the snake's diection.
MARK (CONT'D)
Call the ambulance, coast guard,
Ray Mears.
INT. AMBULANCE - DAY
Jez is sitting on the bed while the paramedic applies a
cream to his wound. He isn't really paying attention and is
more interested in the oxygen mask and bottles of pills
within his reach.
PARAMEDIC
What were you doing carrying
around a snake?
JEZ
The flat where I live is a bit of
a snake pit.
PARAMEDIC
(slightly confused) OK. Well
lucky for you it was completely
harmless. No more dangerous than
a hamster bite.
MARK
In Latin America there have been
recorded cases of hamsters
contracting rabies and passing it
on to humans.
PARAMEDIC
But we're not in Latin America,
we're in Croyden. And it was a
milk snake, not a black mamba.
MARK
So you're going to this wedding
then?
JEZ
Are you kidding? I've just had a
near death experience.
PARAMEDIC
No you haven't.
JEZ
(ignoring them) The ladies will
love this. (beat) I guess you're
coming - to collect the kid and
everything?
MARK
Why?
JEZ
Because of the honeymoon? The 3
week honeymoon. You're not very
up to date for someone who works
in IT.
MARK
I don't work in fucking IT Jez.
Have I ever worked in IT? What!?
3 weeks? 3 weeks of me, and him,
alone. No. This simply won't do.
I haven't been consulted.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I'm like the Liberal Democrats in
a Select Committee hearing. Well
fuck off Osborne, I won't be
Clegg anymore.
He pulls out his phone and rings SOPHIE.
SOPHIE (ON THE PHONE)
Oh hi Mark. I was wondering why I
hadn't heard from you? Is this
about the reception because I
think we're getting pretty full.
MARK (ON THE PHONE)
The reception? To the wedding I
only heard about 30 seconds ago,
funnily enough no. It's about you
gallivanting off for 3 weeks. Did
you not think it common curtesy
to let me know?
SOPHIE (ON THE PHONE)
I sent you a letter weeks ago
explaining all this Mark.
Jeff and I are going to India for
our honeymoon. I thought we'd
moved past this. Stop trying to
be difficult.
MARK (ON THE PHONE)
I am doing no such thing.
SOPHIE (ON THE PHONE)
You should be glad you get your
son for so long. I didn't hear
anything back so I assumed
everything was alright.
(commotion in the background)
Look Mark I have to go, but I'll
see you tomorrow.
She hangs up. Mark goes into meltdown.
MARK
Assume everything is alright? If
you don't hear back you assume
no, everything is not alright.
You don't go to the doctor's and
if you don't hear anything back
it must mean the all clear. What
if Sir Ranulph Feinnes had
thought that?
JEZ
Or John Candy?
MARK
He died of massive coronary
failure Jez. To be honest he was
lucky to last that long. No. She
can't do this. And for what? A
spiritual hippyfest across India.
Who does she think she is?
JEZ
George Harrison? Marianne
Faithful? Mia Farrow?
MARK
Judith Chalmers?
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
JEZ
Aww, that was lovely. What a
lovely wedding. I'm so happy for
those guys.
Sophie and JEFF walk happily through the confetti and
applause - the antithesis of Mark and Sophie's wedding.
MARK
How lovely? Oh isn't everybody so
wonderfully lovely?
JEZ (V.O.)
Shit. Better downplay this one a
bit.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Yeah, apart from Jeff. He looked
like a massive tit. I mean, who
wears a tie to his own wedding?
MARK
I noticed you managed not to piss
yourself this time.
JEZ
That was. You! (He calms down)
Look Mark, I've been thinking.
You need a babysitter, I need
somewhere snake free.
MARK
No.
JEZ
Oh come on Mark. You know I'm
great with kids. I'm great at
hide and seek.
MARK
You couldn't even hide your bong
when we had the neighbourhood
watch meeting.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He equates being a full-grown
idiot with being good with kids.
Not knowing your 6 times table
does not make you qualified to
look after my child, it makes you
shit.
JEZ
Please Mark. For old times sake.
I'll piss all over the reception.
MARK (V.O.)
I do have that meeting with
Shapiro Finance tomorrow. No
Mark, don't do it. He's Ike
you're Tina. Do not let him back
in the house.
Jez pulls some strawberry laces from his jacket and stuffs
them into his mouth offering Mark one.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Although...
JEFF
Alright Queers?
JEZ
Congratulations man.
MARK
Mmmm.
JEFF
Well, I guess it's safe to say
that the best man won, eh? Now,
time to plant that flag in Nana's
cottage. Of course, you two have
already had a go on Soph haven't
you? Guess she finally wanted to
know what a real man feels like?
JEZ
Well she didn't seem to be
complaining when we broke out the
jam and peanut butter up the bum
action on the kitchen table.
Jeff shrinks.
JEFF
See you at the toast.
MARK (V.O.)
Ha. Fuck you Jeff. On the
happiest day of your life imagine
Jeremy doing your wife up the
bum. True, he did do my then
girlfriend in that place using
Sunpat as a pleasure giver, but
still - beats you Jeff, you arse
hole.
MARK (CONT'D)
You didn't really do..
JEZ
No, of course not. He just needed
bringing down a peg or two.
MARK (V.O.)
I hope it wasn't crunchy.
JEZ (V.O.)
Hmmm. Jelly belly nutty bum.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Mark arrives at the flat after work.
INT. FLAT - CONTINUOUS
MARK (V.O.)
Door is locked. OK, so hopefully
haven't been robbed yet. No
excrement on the walls, no Yazzoo
on the carpet. Something is
horribly wrong here.
MARK (CONT'D)
Jeremy? Jeremy?
He walks into the living room to see Jez asleep on the
sofa, a story book open on his chest and the boy is asleep
in the chair. Mark picks up the glass on the table and
sniffs it with suspicion. It's clean. He opens up his son's
cup too and sniffs. Nothing.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Maybe Jez isn't so bad. Now he
doesn't have the women, and the
music and the drugs to distract
him.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Jez and Super Hans in the park .
SUPER HANS
Look at all these Chris Martin
clones in their hemp pants and
fairtrade beards, not an opinion
between them.
JEZ
Totally.
SUPER HANS
There aren't many of us left Jez,
those who show a bit of
individuality. A bit of flair.
He pulls a glass pipe from his pocket.
JEZ
You're on the crack again Super
Hans?
SUPER HANS
What? So you've gone all
corporate now?
JEZ (V.O.)
I'm not the one who sells
econoflush toilets mate.
JEZ (CONT'D)
No, but...
He looks down at the kid.
SUPER HANS
Having a baby is like having a
Get Out of Jail Free Card. And
today my fiend, we're a couple of
horny paedos.
JEZ
Yeah, no. I mean of course we
are, that. It's just, paeados
Hans?
SUPER HANS
Paedos are in man.
He points to the kid.
JEZ
Are we not more like the Chemical
Brothers, or maybe even Noel and
Liam? I. It's just, I do feel
quite strongly that we should
steer away from calling ourselves
paedos. Being in the park with a
child that isn't ours and all.
SUPER HANS
Suit yourself. I'm going to have
a smoke on the springy horse. A
mate of mine did it on the spiral
slide, said he saw through the
looking glass and through the
fucking page. Well, eventually.
He didn't speak for the first
couple of days.
EXT. BUSY SHOPPING STREET - DAY
Mark is making his way through the hoards of shoppers on
his lunch break.
MARK (V.O.)
You let him back in the flat for
one day and he manages to get
through an entire loaf of Mighty
White. Does he use it instead of
loo paper? That could account for
the amount of time he spends in
there...
He pulls out his phone to check the time.
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Thirteen minutes to get back,
shit. This is precisely why the
Nazis were so effective. To get
things done you have to plan in
advance, take your own food.
He receives a message from Sophie. It reads 'DON'T LET HIM
SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH JEZ, I DON'T WANT OUR CHILD
TURNING INTO SHAUN RYDER'
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh Jesus. The other side of the
world and she's still trying to
orchestrate my life. Well fuck
you sweetheart, while you're in a
mudhut licking hallucinogenic
frogs, Jez is my new nanny and
there's nothing you can do about
it. (beat) Should I be slightly
concerned though? No, probably
best to assume all is well.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Jez is slouching on a bench not really paying attention to
the kid. Super Hans is sitting on the ground, his legs
wrapped around the springy horse, his arms grasping at thin
air. An attractive WOMAN approaches the pushchair.
WOMAN
Aww, he's adorable. What's his
name?
JEZ (V.O.)
Bollocks. What did they call him.
Was it Ian or Jeff?
JEZ (CONT'D)
Ian.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It was probably Ian.
WOMAN
That's sweet.
She bends over the pushchair and Jez looks down her
cleavage.
JEZ
Yeah, you know, it didn't work
out between me and his mum, but
when push comes to shove he was
conceived in love.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Shit. Is that Will Smith?
WOMAN
Is that Will Smith?
ELENA (OFF SCREEN)
Jermey!?
ELENA stops and walks over, tentatively.
JEZ
Elena.
ELENA
Is that Mark's baby?
JEZ
No. Yes.
WOMAN
This isn't your baby?
JEZ
It's complicated. (To Elena)
Aren't you supposed to be in
Slovakia or Yugoslavia or
somewhere?
ELENA
Yes. Well after you broke my
wedding I had to go back.
JEZ
I was confessing my love for you.
ELENA
You ran over my fiance when you
were drunk driving in just your
underpants.
The woman walks off in disgust. Jez contemplates pursuing
her for a second, then returns to Elena.
JEZ
That's a sign of affection in
this country.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It bloody should be. I could
solve a lot of problems that way.
JEZ (CONT'D)
What are you doing here anyway?
ELENA
Visiting my brother for a few
days.
JEZ (V.O.)
Shit. Hope he isn't in the KGB,
or one of those back-street cage
fighters raised on beetroot and
resentment of The West.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Is he with you?
ELENA
No. He's at the gym.
JEZ (V.O.)
Shiiit.
ELENA
I just came to check out the
dad's in the park.
She looks at IAN.
ELENA (CONT'D)
The real ones anyway. Does Mark
know you have his baby?
JEZ
Of course. It's my whole thing
now - babies.
ELENA
Is that a joint?
JEZ
What? No.
Jez pushes the joint under the child. Elena's PHONE RINGS
and she speaks Romanian to the other person. She starts to
walk off.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Elena, wait. (beat) Fancy a
cheeky toke?
She looks at the baby.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Don't worry about the baby. They
can practically look after
themselves at this age. It's good
for them, it helps them learn how
to talk, or something.
ELENA
Goodbye Jeremy.
Elena leaves. Jez picks up the joint that is in the
pushchair.
JEZ (V.O.)
There goes the love of my life,
again. And now I'm going to smoke
my last joint then go to Iceland
and spend the £1.30 I found in
Mark's coat. Why is life so
utterly shit?
He looks over at Super Hans practically catatonic.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Still, could be worse.
INT. FLAT - DAY
Mark is still suited from work. He has reams of paper and
folders spread out across the table, furiously rifling
through them. The DOOR OPENS and Jez enters pushing Ian.
MARK
Jez, thank God. (beat) Er, hi
Ian. How has your day been?
Ian just stares at his father, nonplussed.
JEZ
Oh we've had a wicked day haven't
we mate?
Ian looks up at Jez and smiles. Mark is not amused.
MARK
You better not have been getting
high in the park.
JEZ
Mark!?
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Ha ha. Hopefully won't actually
have to answer that question.
MARK
Yes well, just so long as you are
aware that while you are the
closest actual person to my child
you are physically and morally
responsible for his safety.
JEZ
Yeah sure. Where's the remote?
MARK
Jeremy no. Look at me. I have to
give a presentation to Shapiro
Finance tomorrow.
It could be a massive contract
for us and would be my ticket out
of the pig pen and onto the 4th
floor.
JEZ
That's clearly pretty exciting,
but wouldn't you rather be
watching Tony Soprano torture an
undercover cop?
MARK
We are not watching The Sopranos
again Jeremy. Especially not with
a 2 year old in the room.
JEZ (V.O.)
Probably shouldn't tell him that
we watched that Japanese game
show where someone stuffed an
octopus up their arse then.
MARK
Listen Jez, do you think you
could come round and look after
him again tomorrow?
MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
All those times people were
talking about juggling work and
children I really should have
paid more attention instead of
wondering how big a tax credit
they were raking in.
JEZ
I mean obviously I'm happy to do
it, but I'd have to set off from
Hans' so early to get here, after
I'd double checked my clothes for
snakes.
MARK (V.O.)
Shit.
JEZ
It really would be so much easier
for everyone if I just stayed
here.
MARK
Jez...
JEZ
Plus, all my stuff is still here.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Although that's just because you
were too tight to pay the council
to take it away.
MARK
Ian has that room now mate.
JEZ
Oh relax Mark. We can share.
Besides, that way I can lean over
and give him some more rum if he
starts crying again.
MARK
More?
JEZ
I'm joking.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Sort of. I think it was actually
Malibu.
Mark, resignation etched onto his face, looks at Jez. Jez
jumps up.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Great. I'll unpack then.
He pulls a handfull of screwed up Rizlas from his jacket,
half a Yorkie and a door key and drops them on the table.
He throws himself onto the sofa, letting out a contented
SIGH.
MARK
But just until the end of the
week.
JEZ
The El Dude Brothers are back.
Jez makes the HORN sound.
JEZ (CONT'D)
And now we have a third member.
This is going to be great.
INT. JEZ'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Ian is in his bed screaming at the top of his lungs. Jez is
hiding under the covers with pillows held over his ears
wishing the noise away. Mark enters the room dressed for
his big presentation.
MARK
Jeremy. You aren't even trying.
Get up. Get up right now.
Jez emerges from the covers with a pair of pants on his
head holding in place balled up socks he is using as ear
muffs.
JEZ
It's been an hour. There's no
reasoning with it. Like a Dalek.
Mark walks over and picks the baby up, which makes him
scream even louder. He tentatively and slightly
embarrassedly kisses his son then straightens his posture
and strides out.
MARK
Goodbye Ian. Be good.
The tantrum continues.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ian is still throwing an absolute shit fit. Jez has tried
everything. There are cartoons on the TV, toys strewn all
around the flat, crisps and biscuits crushed into every
surface possible.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Jez rummages through the kitchen cupboards. He picks up a
bottle of whisky, thinks about it for a second, then puts
it back. After another second he pulls it back out, takes a
big gulp and throws it back in the cupboard.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jez slumps down on the floor next to the stereo. He knocks
over a pile of CDs. Grabbing one at random he throws it in
the machine and hits play. At full volume blasts out
'Outrageous'. Ian stops crying.
JEZ (V.O.)
Oh my God, has he died? Would I
be upset?
He crawls over to have a look at the baby. Far from being
dead, he's smiling.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mark returns home from work to find the Living Room in the
aftermath of a bomb explosion. Jez is sitting cross legged
on the floor with a pen and paper and a tape recorder.
MARK
Jeremy, what the hell have you
been doing?
JEZ
Mark, you will not believe it,
but I have found my true life
calling today.
MARK
Well it clearly isn't being able
to eat from a plate. Where Ian?
JEZ
Asleep. Listen Mark. I am a
musical genius.
MARK
No you aren't.
JEZ
Yes I am. I just haven't been
appreciated in my own time
before. Like Stieg Larsson, or
that Sunflower guy.
MARK
Really? You think you're like Van
Gogh?
JEZ
You can't bring me down this
time. I have discovered the
secret - the billion dollar every
parent in the world will want to
know and pay me money for secret -
kids love my music.
MARK
Pardon?
JEZ
The only thing that shut Ian up
was when I played him Outrageous.
MARK
I think it was probably a
coincidence.
JEZ
How would you know how he feels?
Out all day counting your Nazi
gold and your Rembrandts. (beat)
Mark, I'm going to be a
children's musician.
MARK
A children's musician? That's not
a thing. That's something you've
literally just made up right now.
JEZ
Oh stop being so HMV. Just
because my music doesn't fit into
a rigid section for people like
you to file away in alphabetical
order and never actually listen
to. I've found the meaning of
life.
MARK
At 4 o'clock in the afternoon
whilst playing gibberish techno
to a toddler and eating Smarties?
Yes I believe that's what
Johnpaul Satre wrote about when
he was contemplating the
absurdity of the cosmos. If only
you'd been on hand to help him
figure it out. (beat) What about
the life coaching? I thought that
was your reason for being?
JEZ
Oh come on Mark, we both know the
life coaching was bullshit.
MARK
Ha, I knew it.
JEZ
Yeah, and listening to people's
problems is so fucking boring.
They just go on and on. And what
with Mad Andy's suicide attempt
in Nando's...
MARK
Mmm hmm.
JEZ
It's just time to get away from
all that, you know? The stress,
the responsibility. I need to get
back in touch with my creativity,
and that's my music Mark.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh my God. That sounded great.
Maybe I should have used some of
that shit when I was life
coaching. Oh well, guess it
doesn't really matter now.
MARK (V.O.)
Why am I surrounded entirely by
conspiracy wielding hippies who
constantly have to stop their
lives to go and find themselves?
Well if they carry on like this
they'll be finding themselves
under a bridge when the bank
repossesses their home.
JEZ
So basically, I need to borrow
some money to buy some recording
equipment.
MARK
What about all the things you
used to use?
JEZ
Well it turned out that Hans
hadn't actually paid for all of
it, so long story short we had to
give it back or be picking our
teeth out of the gutter. Or
something.
MARK
No Jeremy. This is not going to
be another 'I'm going to be the
next Damien Hirst' when you said
the guy downstairs could get you
a shark.
JEZ
Sharks are surprisingly expensive
as it turns out. And this is real
Mark.
MARK
The answer is no.
JEZ
OK, fair enough. I'll ask Pedge.
See if we can get something set
up in my room.
MARK
Your room?
JEZ (V.O.)
Shit. Haven't got him pissed yet.
OK, this might be a hard sell.
Fuck it, I'll make he think he's
going mad.
JEZ (CONT'D)
Yeah. We spoke about it
yesterday, you said it was cool
for me to move back in.
JEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Hold your nerve. Believe it. This
happened. Be Rupert Murdoch.
MARK (V.O.)
Does he take me for a total
moron? (beat) Although, let's
face it, he'll find his way back
in somehow anyway. Like a pop
tart munching Burlusconi. Or that
plague of cockroaches that
appeared after he tried to make
mead in the airing cupboard. And
what with Ian. Even if Jez is the
only one that believes he can
tame a child's tantrums, he may
be good to keep around. A bit
like a butler really. It would be
nice for my child to grow up
accustomed to having staff.
Jez does his friendliest smile and thumbs up number.
MARK (CONT'D)
Sure.
JEZ (V.O.)
Oh my God. I've done it. This is
fucking brilliant. Maybe I can
whisper through his door at night
and see what else I can get him
to do. Stop buying granary bread?
Get a pool table? Suck me off?
MARK (V.O.)
Ha. He thinks he's tricked me
into letting him back in, when in
fact it is me who is grooming him
for a life of compliance and
servitude. I'm like a gentrified
Fritzl. Welcome home Jez.
JEZ (V.O.)
Welcome home Jez.
END
